What If I Had Never Let You Go
by Okrightmeow
Summary: Bill can't forget what happened. He can't help but think that it's his fault...that everything was his fault all along.
1. Chapter 1, The Dream

_I roll over and feel your warmth next to me. The splender that is you and only you. My love. My first and my last. My every thought. My world. My hope for the future. My everything. I love you. I gaze at you, you are the most beautiful girl in my eyes. Please never leave me. Let us stay like this always. Always, with you. _

I wake up sobbing. Every night since then every dream is the same. Always about her. It's so painful and I can't bear to speak about it.

" Bill!" Tom runs in my room gasping.

"Tomi? What..." I try to play it cool and hide my tears. I don't want to seem weak in front of another of my beloved.

"Billa don't try to hide your tears. It's okay to cry in front of me." Tom crooned.

"Bu-u-t...I-I-I wa-sn't-t cryin-" Tom rushed over to my bed and held me in a tight hug. I love my brother. He always makes my monsters go away. Mostly.

We sat there for a while like that. Me cuddled into Tomi's chest, crying. And him just holding me and rocking me slowly whispering that everythings gonna be alright.

I cry more because I know nothin's ever gonna be okay again. This awful pain deep inside. Like a fatal wound been ripped open again and again.

Finally, I stop crying and Tomi looks at me once more and wipes away one stray tear.

"It's okay Billa, I know it hurts." He said and with that he walked towards the door.

"Wait." I said

He stopped.

"Yeah Billa?" He asked.

"Danke Tomi for fighting away my monsters."

"Anything for you Billa" He said then left me to my thoughts.

At least I'll always have Tom. He completes me. And would never abandon me. Unless- NEIN! Tomi would never leave me! Never ever! Tomi loves me and he understands. He knows it's harder for me. Ever since the accident...No Tomi told me not to think about it. He says it'll make it harder.

" Alright guys let's do this!" I yell as we start our first concert of our first tour. We were all soooooooo nervous but as soon as we saw everyone out there yelling our names it was totally great!

We start out with "Schrei" And the fans totally ate it up. I mean it was awesome! They were singing along with me and knew the lyrics be heart. Next we performed "Leb die Sekunde" WOW! Even better than the first one! It was totally amazing!

We were gettin' ready to do the finale when I realized what it was."Wenn Nichts Mehr Geht" Oh god. I don't know if I can do it. I wrote it for...her. About...her. Oh god. I start anyway.

_Keiner mehr da der mich wirklich kennt _

_Meine welt bricht grad' zusammen_

_Und es läuft'n happy-end_

_Um dich weinen soll ich nicht_

_Ich weiß unsterblich sind wir nicht_

_Aber du hast mal gesagt_

_Wenn nichts mehr geht_

_Werd' ich ein engel sein - Für dich allein_

I drop to my knees and completly break down.

Tom runs over and takes my microphone.

He apologizes to everyone and says that I'm sick and we cannot perform the last song.

There were some Awwww's but nothing else. Tomi picks me up and carries me off the stage. Me the heaping, crying, mess named Bill.

**Danke! First Chapter out...DEFINATLY more to go. Tell meh whatcha think? **


	2. Chapter 2, The Fight

Ch.2 The Fight

Backstage the G's looked furiously at me.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM BILL?" Georg yells at me face.

I just stare at my feet. He'll stop eventually. He usually does.

"WHAT IN THE HELL IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM?" He yells again

I start to cry.

"Oh now you're gonna fucking cry." He said sarcastically.

I cry harder.

"Oh my FUCKING god," He said " It's about _her_."

Tom ran over and pulled me towards him.

"Lay the FUCK of Georg seriously." Tom warned.

"Wah wah wah! My name is Bill and I can't get over a stupid BITCH!" Georg retorted.

That's it! I pull away from my older brother and nail Georg straight in the noise. He falls to the floor, bleeding.

"WHAT WAS THAT GEORG?!" I yelled.

"WANNA FUCKING SAY THAT AGAIN?" I scream.

"Yeah I do, She was a FUCKING BITCH! And I don't fucking blame her for-" Then Tom kicked Georg straight in the balls.

"Shut the hell up Georg." Tomi said and with that we walked away as Gustav tried to help Georg off the floor.

Tom pulled me into his dressing room and locked the door behind him.

"Bill, what did I tell you about that?" Tom said calmly.

"I-i- I'm sorry Tom." I said. I could never take it when Tom started to get mad at me. I know he understands but their is a capacity to how much he does understand.

"Like seriously Bill, our first concert?" Tom said "I TOLD YOU NOT TO THINK ABOUT HER!!" He yelled at my face

I started to cry. I hate it when people I love yell at me.

When Tom say that what he said made me cry he let out a small puff of air sounding like an "oh" and slid next to me on the floor. He didn't say anything, he just held me. And that was good enough.

A few minutes later, when I stopped crying, there was a nock on the door.

"Hey guys." a voice said.

"Can we come in?" Another voice said, " We're really sorry about before."

It must be Georg and Gustav then.

Tomi got up so he could open the door for them.

A look of shame crossed their faces when they saw me.

Makeup smeared down my face and on my hands, remnants of the fight that had just happened.

"Oh god Bill, I'm sorry." Georg said and rushed to me.

"It's okay Georg, you were right." I said calmly. " I can't get over her and I need to."

He said nothing, so I was taking this as an agreement.

"Oh and we're sorry about hitting you." Tom said.

"Ha ha..ha...yeah that hurt like a bitch." Georg replied.

--later that night.

I sat alone in my room waiting to sleep. But still too afraid to let it come.

I know she'll be there. I know she will. She always is. But against my will, I slowly drift to sleep...

_There you are! I run towards you as fast as I can. You run into my arms laughing. I smile and then kiss you. God I love you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I hold you in my arms and twirl you around. You laugh again. Man, I love your laugh. It's music in my ears. I rest you down in the grass and lay next to you. But when I look over, you're gone. _

"NEIN!!" I wake up screaming.

No ones going to save me tonight though, Tomi's out.

I run though the dark apartment and make my way to Tomi's room.

I crawl on his bed huddle up and cry, waiting for his return.

"P-please T-tomi Hurry!!" I scream.

What seems like hours later, Tom returns. Surprised to find me in his bed crying.

He runs over and grabs me in a tight hug.

"Bill, I'm sorry." was all he said.

We fell asleep like that. With Tomi holding me. And my dream then wasn't about her.  
I woke up completly refreshed. It was the best sleep I'd had in a year and a half.

"Danke, Tomi." I whisper in his ear then crawl out of his arms.

**OK Chapter 2 finished! Woot woot! That was lame, sorry!**


	3. Chapter 3, The Confrontation

**Chapter 3: Confrontation.**

* * *

I pulled a shirt over my hair, still wet, from the shower and began to sing.

_Here I stand alone _

_With this weight opon my heart_

_and it will not go away_

_In my head I keep on looking back_

_Right back to the start_

_Wonderin' what it was that made you change_

_What if I had never let you go_

_Would you be the girl I used to know?_

_If I stayed_

_If you tried_

_If we could only turn back time_

_...But I guess,_

_We'll never know._

I guess Tom had walked in at some point when I was singing, because when I was finished he stood there and stared at me.

His eyes looked troubled, saddened, and tired.

A complete reflection to my own.

We really were identical.

Tom stepped towards me slowly as a tear ran down _his _cheek.

Wait- Why was _Tom _crying.

I should be the one crying.

Tom was supposed to protect me

Chase away my fears

Not cry like ME!

He sat down and didn't say anything so I spoke,

"Tom,'' I started uneasily, "why are _you _crying?"

Why can't you forget _her _Bill!" Tom demanded.

"I-i-I uh..." Was all I managed this time.

" Why can't you move on? Why do you only think about _her?" _He spat out frustradedly

By this point I was calmer.

Well, angrier anyway.

But I couldn't take this out on Tom.

So instead of yelling I controlled my voice and said,

"I don't know."

"Gah! You're so difficult Bill!!! " Said Tom.

"Yeah well so are you!" I said.

"hHow do you figure that!?" He shot back.

" Well, considering the whole, we've known eachother all out lifes. Oh and the fact that our brains run on the same frequency because, hmm I don't know...WE'RE IDENTICAL TWINS!" I said as sarcastically as I could at this hour.

Tom sat there with his arms crossed, pouting, like a rejected school girl then finally spoke.

"Please you have to, it's killing me and everyone else to see you like this. You're not yourself."

I remained silent.

We sat there like that saying nothing, doing nothing, for what seemed an eternity until Tom got up finally and headed for his own room.

When he reached the door he spoke:  
"Bill consider it please."

I let out a loud, deep sigh.

I really do need to move on.

If not for me, than for their sake.

I need to move on and let...Sophia go.

One tear fell from my cheek as I said the name I was restricted from saying all this time.

"Sophia." I whisper, then I fell into a deep slumber.

* * *

**The song used in this story isn't mine. It's a song by Kate Winslet called "What If." It gave me the insirpation to write this.**

**Arianna**


	4. Chapter 4, The First Day

**Chapter 4 The First Day**

* * *

_There you were_

_Like you always were_

_Just standing there and smiling at me._

_Your smile, never duplicated, just yours._

_It sent electric waves throughout my whole body._

_Man, you tourture me._

_But I'll gladly live through it because one day, it will just be you and me._

_And then my world will be more than complete._

_I love you so much.  
I know people say that they love someone, but deep inside they hate the other's flaws._

_Not me. You don't have flaws to hate, you are absolutly the most perfect human being in existance._

* * *

_Suddenly, my happy dream turned into the worst nightmare it possibly could._

_The one that had failed to come yet._

_The first day I laid eyes upon my beautiful Sophie._

* * *

_It was raining. I remember that. Not just a light rain either, I mean it was really leting loose._

_The teachers didn't seem to mind the constant hum of the raindrops hitting the roof and windows._

_To tell you the truth neither did I._

_I was anticipating the end of the day, even though the day had just begun, so I could walk home in the calming wetness._

_I truly loved it when it rained._

_Even if it smeared my makeup._

_Even if it soaked my papers._

_Even if it messed up my hair._

_I just loved it and the comfort it provided me, made me feel like I was being cleansed of all my problems._

_As I stared longlingly out the classroom window by which I sat, you walked in._

_Your hair was wet with the rain, and your makeup smudged._

_Your bag was soaked too._

_But you didn't look sad, or mad, or anything._

_You had the hugest and brightest smile I had ever seen on your face._

_I think you liked the rain too._

_Maybe you were the same as me._

_Maybe-_

_My thoughts were inturupted as you sat next to me._

_I gave you my 'what in the hell ar you doing/ confused like hell' smile._

_You just flashed me your blinding smile._

_I felt my heart start to beat rapidly._

_I felt the heat rush to my face._

_And you just stood there smiling._

_Then you spoke, your voice like tiny bells on the wind._

_  
"Hallo! I'm Sophia."_

_Those were your first words to me._

_And certanly not the last, not if I had anything to do with it._

_I waited until class was over outside in the hall._

_As soon as you wakled out of the room and I grabbed your wrist, and pulled you around the corner._

_"HEY!" you screamed._

_Even when you screamed it was beautiful._

_Then you turned to see who it was who grabbed you and a small puff of air escaped your perfect lips, sounding like an 'oh' and you stood there smiling._

_Again, with that damn smile._

_"Can I ask why you pulled me out here Mr. No name?" You asked innocently._

_Oh yeah why...uhmm...why did I do that again?_

_" Soooo areya gonna answer me or not Mr. No name?" You asked._

_Oh yeah words...how do those go again?_

_"Here, let me help ya Mr. No name, " you said, "Say this. ' My name is and I pulled you out here for this reason'"_

_"M-my n-name i-is Bill Kaulitz." I stuttered. _

_I was simply amazed. How did she do that?_

_I didn't even think I could speak again._

_I thought I had become mute. A damn mute._

_I guess not..._

_"Good!" you proclaimed, " Now finish it!"_

_"My name is Bill Kaulitz and I pulled you out in the hallway for this reason :" I said more confidently now, and I pulled you into a pasionate kiss._

_When I pulled away from you, you blushed and said,_

_"Well niiiice to meet you too Bill."_

* * *

**Okay. Chapter 4 ooouuuut!  
Sorry, that one was short too.**

**I can't handle typing!  
Gah my brain goes faster than my fingers.**

**Review?? Pweeeety pweeeze?**

**Oh don't make me get out the chibi Bill eyes!**

**Haha, I PROMISE the next chapter will continue with Bill and Sophie's relationship.**

**Ohhhh it gets juicy.**

**Hahaha.**


	5. Chapter 5,The Last Dream

**What if I Had Never Let You Go**

**Chapter Five : The Last Dream**

* * *

I woke up and was surprised that I wasn't crying.

Every night for the last year-and-a-half I had awoken crying.

Why not tonight?

I pondered this for a while and then Tom walked in.

He looked as confused as I was when he saw no tears.

"Bill?" He said.

"I don't know Tomi. I dreamt of her Tom. I did. It was...beautiful, but why am I not crying?" I said softly.

"Bill...I think I have been telling you wrong for the past year." He said calmly

"Whaddaya mean Tom?" I asked

"Well, you said you dreamt of her...but you're not crying. Tell me Bill, what was it about this time?" He asked.

I was surprised because he never asked me what my dreams were about.

"Um, well you see...It was the day I met her." I spoke slowly now.

"Shit. I was wrong." Tom uttered.

"What? Tom what do you mean?! Tell me!" I was speaking louder now.

"Well," He started slowly, " I told you to move on. To forget of her. But you obviously cannot. Everyone tells you to forgive her, and forget her. To move on. I'm not saying that you shouldn't move on...But maybe...talking about it would help you Bill." He finished.

I knew he picked his words very wisely because he's usually so blunt about things.

"But I don't know if I can talk about it. We haven't talked about it since it happened...."

"Bill, I'm not saying you should talk to me.. Maybe a councilor would help. Because they won't tell anyone and you don't have to worry about them judging you. You and the councilor are the only ones who will ever know." Tom said.

"I don't like the idea Tomi...I don't know if I want some stranger knowing everything about me......."

"Bill, please can you just try it? Für Mich?"

"...I guess Tom...für dich."

-a week later-

"Tom I'm really nervous about this...I've not talked directly about this since you know..."  
"Bill, you'll be fine. I know you can do it." Tom said.

I stared at the counselors door and gulped hard.

Then turned the knob slowly...and walked in.

I was surprised to see a cheery fat woman sitting behind the desk.

"Ah, your name is Bill." she said as I walked in.

I nodded and she told me to take a seat.

"Okay Bill, let's talk."

* * *

**I'm sorry this is so short.**

**But I added Chapter 6 with it, and another chapter of another Tokio Hotel fanfic.**

**Woo.**

**Sorry it took forever to get out too.**

**I just started home-schooling. So this tragic love story of our Billa will soon draw to it's end.**

**Thanks for reading.  
And please review?**

**(o.O)**

**Please?? The fishy wants you tooooooo. xD**

**Okay. I'll stop now.**


	6. Chapter 6, Just Me and You

**What if I Had Never Let You Go**

**Chapter 6: Just Me and You**

* * *

_"Me and Sophie, we dated after that day. I couldn't have been any happier either. I felt like she was my true love, the one I was destined to meet. We were so alike, and yet so different. I loved being with Sophie every second of the day. I even wrote her a song you see."_

The councilor smiled and nodded for me to continue

_" People couldn't stand to be around us, because we were always so smiley. They said it made them sick. Ha ha, now that I think about it, it probably did look weird to other people. But, all that I knew was all that I felt, and what I felt was love. "_

I sat there for a minute, unsure of what to say next.

But, then I knew that I must go on with the story.

_"We were very happy for a whole year. A whole year we stayed together like this! But soon, my dear Sophie seemed more distant. More unwilling to go on dates, more unavailable. Every time I would call, her mother would say "Sophie's sleeping sorry." I didn't know what was happening to her. I gave her space though. But I don't know what happened to my Sophie. This Sophie was dark, and always looked tired, and like she had been crying for days without stop...I wanted to know what happened, so one day I asked her. _

_"Sophie! Wait up Sophie!" I yelled one day down the hall._

_She turned to see who it was then kept walking like she didn't know who I was._

_So I took of running towards her, and finally caught up._

_"What's wrong Sophie?" I asked concernedly as I grabbed her hand to stop her._

_She immediately yanked it away and yelled for me not to touch her._

_But I felt something._

_No, not the crushing of my heart._

_I heard that in my ears._

_It was the scabs of cuts on her wrists._

_Like she had been hurting herself._

_"Why." Was all I said._

_Then she was gone, and i was left there to cry._

_The people staring that were passing me in the hall._

_What had made my Sophie so willing to die? I thought we were happy._

_Or was it just my naivety to believe this.  
Did i not see what was happening in front of my very eyes??_

_Sophie was dying._

_And I couldn't stop it._

_Sophie was sad._

_And I couldn't make her smile anymore._

_Sophie wasn't my Sophie anymore._

_And she never wanted to be again._

_Sophie...was dead."_

* * *

**So yeah...I have a new fan fiction up and I'm going to finish this one soon.**

**Reviews make me wanna write more x] **


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